on the recovery road...

in the last one year several things have happened. unpleasant things, emotionally draining experiences, learning opportunities interspersed with few small victories. And i hate to say this believe me if you will, but my faith in humanity was shaken so badly it was on the verge of collapse. it was resurrected not by high sounding preaching all knowledgable adults, but by my newest employee, sikander.

i dont know how all this is going to end, but to find somebody who believes in the virtue of work and honesty is such a healing experience, it can heal the deepest of wounds. And the best part is this, he has not been taught, he doesnt believe that this is the truth, its a natural extension of his personality, he has discovered it for himself.

There are people who believe in certain virtues that have been taught to them. you should be honest, you should be truthfull, you should be this and that. And so caught in these 'you should be's' they lead a life of forever trying to pursue these ideals. No wonder, there mind is always pulling in the other direction and they are forever trying to resist temptation, never really trusting themselves, lest they stray away from these tried tested ideals. Leading unauthentic lives, trapped in a self image created by others. And the worst part is that this self image is an escape from reality for such people, completely devoid of any sembelance to reality. what a waste.
then there is another bunch of people who consider these virtues to be pure bunkum. they have never tried them, never tested them, but still have reached the consensus that these are bookish things. Completely useless in the practical state of affairs.

And then there is another bunch who fail regularly, who stumble and fall and learn from there own mistakes. there values whatever they have are their own, born of experience, discovered in this real world laboratory. they dont depend on mentors and gurus, yes they listen and then they try out and see if it works, if its worth another try, but they dont believe in what people say. Such people exercise thier own judgement, off course they screw up, who can be right everytime!! when you were trying to walk as a kid, you dint read a tutorial or how to do it guide, you also dint research it on the net and prepare a report. you just stood up and tried, there were people helping you, supporting you and encouraging you and you fell, sometimes you fell bad and you thought you never gonna walk! but hell you did learn it dint you. These people are authentic, there tastes are not standard, there beliefs are not standard, because they dont know or care what that standard is anyways. sometimes such people are called fools because they are not afraid of falling down and so they fall. who cares! such people as i said fail most of the times but when they get it right, boy do they get it right or what!! that right is so completely original that there is an army of people trying to follow it. sometimes they become succesfull sometimes they dont, sometimes they are heartbroken, sometimes they are happy, but one thing is sure, they do live life on their own unique terms, a life of emotions, spontaniety and discovery! Such people are most of the times funny, they cant help it, life is a bloody joke for them because there are just so many contradictions around that there is no one fit for all rule. but these contradictions make the journey interesting because they are not here with a preset agenda of proving something or forcefitting something. they are here to explore and discover simple.

A Complete Song

all of music seems to me to be shrunk in a moment its a state, a state captured frozen forever.
Its like all that partcuar stuff has been cooking inside knowing unknowingly and then there is a burst and u just cough it outits almost like a relief thing, u get it out of the system and there it is as a seperate animalin some sense its not in your control now its outside your zone now and people can make whatever they want to with it
in that sense you dont have any more responibilty for that animal and you are freed from that moral obligation with the satisfaction that u did your part played your role in nurturing the idea in its infancy and now the idea should fly on its own it might die, but thats a chance that you and the musical idea the musical animal has to take.
and u can never be sure or perfectly right about the time may be you dont even control it, but getting it right is not the idea it surely doesnt sound like a good idea at all getting it right is not the purpose
There is no purpose, you are doing it because you are doing it, and u are not waiting for anything else to happen subsequent to your doing it that gives it a kind of purity.
A unity in idea
To some extent that idea has a part of you and when u let it out or rather it chooses to go out or any other way A part of you goes and that is always good , because theres now some room for growth something existing can grow further now or something entirely new can take its place.
in some way u are also spreading yourself, and that is good because u are giving to others with the option in their handwhether to take or not, which is what giving should be.
An unforced, idea. ( Def: an idea not given or recieved for any other purpose but for the mere purpose of giving or recieving )
An idea unto itself.
A complete idea. A complete song.

"what can i get u baby,""why are u calling everybody baby,""because i am the bartender darling, i take care of people.""alright one jack daniels on the rocks mommy."
so varun now has a new job and he was decent enough to pay for the drinks and dinner. We started off with two tequila shots, and varun stopped it there. he had to drive back home, i had no such funda around me for a change and so it went from one drink to another.
on the near by stool, the lady was sleeping peacefully, face down on the bar. she had the widest smile in the whole damned world.
the jukebox was playing something and there was another women shaking herself to the music, she was the only one doing it.
There were guys too, one of them had a laptop and was checking out what an I phone would have cost if it was made in 1975. The bartender did laugh, but she had to bother how much she made today.
And then i spilled my drink, honey dont worry it happens all the times, the baby girl came out and cleaned it.
Before this we were at hooters, i asked for some whiskey and the bartender was like " umm whiskey yeah , i like whiskey , i want whiskey too.. " That explains why they dint have any. Just cheap ol' beer and beer thats for kids, i want my whiskey and i want it neat.
Before this a week back bins is looking at me with a beer in her hand, anant not even a sip,... just a drop ... with a smile that kills me..i have 6 hours for driving to do, and that was in new orleans. and thats six hours away from houston. and that is in america, 24 hours from india. and i am 30 days away from home. You might have to drive around a bit but eventually everybody does get back home.

Back where i belong.

Some realisations, some revelations and i am going back to India. There are two projects in the pipeline, boss wants to extend stay, iam enjoying US, theres money, theres respect, there are a lot of cute blondes. In short things are dandy on the outside.

There are moments when everything comes like a flash. The pieces join themselves. The story comes alive and the character 'I' takes centre stage. And you realize the one thing thats holding you back, you. Holding you back from fine challenges and fine victories. Holding you back from the seeker that you were meant to be. Holding you back from the joy that can only come when the odds are stacked against you.

Life was never meant to be comfortable. It was never meant to be easy. And then who would want an easy life. If you were not to fall what meaning would height have. If there was no failure what could success be. As the Harley ad went the song is not born to be status quo.

So you have to seek new challenges after every new victory. The warrior inside seeks relentlessly, the only way he can die is by stopping. And that is a risk you cant take.

new in the usa

You finally have the visa in hand and are all set to go to the land of dreams and hopes. So what are the things you will need in the US. How do u survive the first few months. Which documents should you get processed first and why. What are the documents in the first place. What are the other services like bank accounts, cards you will need. Hell you have come to the right place. read on a step by step guide on what first and why, AFTER you land in the US.

Week 1&2. SSN-This basic number establishes your identity in the US. Memorize it, its like a last name. You need this for Driving license, income tax, credit card. Get it first. If you have to stay in the US for anything more than three months do not waste time go to the SSN office ( check it on the net ) with your passport, I 94 and Visa and fill up the forms. You will have the social security number in two weeks. Take the reciept with you, it might come in handy.

2. Bank AccountYou cant do anything much in the first week, if you are smart enough to go for the SSN. Attack the Bank account, get yourself a check in and a savings account. This is not so tough. You will get a temporary card and within a month a permanent card. You can now draw a US salary, deposit and withdraw from the ATM. Pay for your cellphone, pay for online transactions. You dont have to carry cash and can now issue checks. WOW, you are not feeling like an infant anymore. Check the walmarts and the targets for all they are worth. Go out and spend some money, you are in the US and you are young and you have money ( hopefully!)

Week 3 &4
Credit CardCongratulations! you just got your SSN. You have an identity now. Go straight to the bank and apply for a credit card with your passport and SSN. Bank of America is a decent option there are many others, choose what is convenient. This is going to take a week or more. But a credit card is extremely important when in the US. Your credit history determines the dollars you pay for insurance, and its needed for stuff like internet connections. Point of the matter, before i spread myself thin, u need to have a good credit history if u are there in the US for anything more than a year. Even if it is less than, its better to be with one rather than without. After all you are the new age guy and you want to explore and learn new things. Go back packing or other such things which everybody considers kinda cool and exclusive and so everybody ends up doing them.

Driving License Driving licence is the next thing, you need it to rent out cars and stuff. You can survive on a International driving license or an indian license but lets get this one.First find the nearest DPS and with your passport and ssn you make a grand entry and get on with the first step towards a DL. Alright before you go to the office read up the driving license handbook. ( mostly available for download from the Department of public safety website). That ways you can apply for the instructional permit, take the written test and get the instructional permit in one visit. Next step, take some driving classes and then take the driving test. Best of luck, you are about to get your licencse to freedom. America is about freedom, individuality and cars, get that licence to drive bond!

Week 5
Are you feeling like king or what. You have done it, you can do anything ( legal ) now. shop online, go to the market, rent a car, take a house, take a internet connection. Live the american dream. All you now need is a blonde with a convertible. ( sorry cant help here ). Picture yourself riding in the sunset with the top down with her hair in the wind. .. now ride that plane and get ready to go to the SSN office.

P.S: A lot of people can survive without all the above things, but you are not a survivor, you are the intellectual guy with his feet on the ground, you want to really experience the country, ride the local buses, wait for the bus with the afro americans and the mexicans, walk the streets, go to public offices, experience the friendly americans. Its a lovely country and you wont do much good by sitting at home and waiting for the assignement to get over. So go and get it. There are a lot of other forms too, but they are more professional in nature and hopefully your employer will take care of it, do have a look at the insurance policy though, thats important.

dissapointment and i

i was just going through some of my posts, and i noticed one thing, they are mostly negative, or may be critical is a better word to describe it. It bought up a lot of uncomfortable questions. Am i somewhere dissapointed with myself. Am i thinking too much and living too little? May be my regular sarchasm has something beneath it. May be i should see a shrink!!? I didnt think about the shrink part, but it made me think and it still does, as to why this general sense of dissapointment?

People reading this and people who know me, am i a negative guy? Add insecurity to dissapointment and u have me??? Jokes apart, another thread of thought that comes to mind is why the times we think the most are the times when we are not happy. Or let me put it this way, when do we generally think more, when we are happy or when we are sad. Somehow happiness does nt give me so much reason to think. as sadness does. Theres also the saying that u are happy when u dont have the time to think about it. Random thoughts all of these, is there a picture, most definetly i have not been able to paint it.

Think of all the great works of art and literature, they have somehow come in difficult trying times. Is the mind, humanities escape from reality? May be the great artist dissapointed with their lives try to create something greater than themselves. hmmm time to sleep! one thing for sure people i am not as dissapointed/ insecure/ convoluted as it might seem from this post. ... or may be iam being defensive!! :-)

America set me free

I had no high hopes from america, and at the risk of sounding arrogant i wasnt overtly excited by it either. It was to me a next step, another assignement, considering that my last one was in chennai, anything was welcome. yes, it was a step up, because it was direct client contact and things like that, but it did not look to me like a radical leap ahead, iam still not convinced if it is but my experience here in the last one and half month has been an eye opener.

As a kid i was told by one of my uncles that i just had to go to europe or the us, another friend who had widely travelled argued why coming to europe even on my money made sense. i understand why, just why they said so.

It is said that the only kind of learning that money can buy is the one that comes with travel. And if u have lived in america then you have already seen a lot.
Because this country is like a salad bowl. Walking on the streets, in the stores you will meet all kinds of people. At least in the major cities, its a great place for interaction .

For starters, Americans are smart, they are so bloody smart that if u think they are dumb then its you who is dumb. A nation who thrives on the intellectual capital of the world has to be smart. From NASA to the neighbiourhood walmart you ll find all kinds of people, with all kinds of nationalities, these people work and work hard sometimes on lesser money. These people are happy to work here, and they contribute immensely to innovation and efficiency.They give tax so its not for free. The nation who gets the best kind of people from where ever they are, who ever they may be, and profits from it increasing the living standard of every body in the society is smart, actually very smart.

When i sit with my client, i have to keep in my mind that she has been doing her job for the last twenty years. This is because she has never mentioned it and i doubt if she ever will. She is so open minded about everything, nothing is right because she said it or because she is doing it that day. Everything needs to be subjected to rigour, everything needs to be validated. And when i suggest a book in casual conversation, she rights it down. I sometimes feel extemely tiny in front of these people, there is so much of attitude that i need to incorporate. And this open minded attitude to change is displayed everwhere, from outsourcing to the imported chinese toy sitting on some supermarket shelf.

Iam not saying that this is heaven or its comfortable so its great. There are good reasons why it is what it is. And the typical american takes thing light, laughs quite a lot and says sorry at every possible instance. So much to learn.

Disclaimer: This is just the beginning, author reserves the right to change his opinion.